Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
