my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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