Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
