Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
