Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
