After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
