u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
