my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
