i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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