Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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