Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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