on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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