btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
