I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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