BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
