I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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