I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you would pick up someone in the library
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
