I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
