I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am naked and annoyed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize