for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
