She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize