found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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