next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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