WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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