dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
