i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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