its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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