I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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