Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
