oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
