He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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