so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
