I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
