if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize