I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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