i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
