eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
