dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
