im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
