Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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