I think I died a long time ago.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
