I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
