I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize