if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
