i'm signing you up for texting rehab
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
