well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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