i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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