True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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