I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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