she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
