im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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