Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like a drive thru vagina
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
