I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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