mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
