just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
