You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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