i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Randomize
