Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
