my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
