Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
