Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize