im drinking this country out of the recession.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
