Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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