Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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