Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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